As a child, I was diagnosed with anxiety conditions and have been on medication ever since. I read the M-Pen’s information documentation, which provided valuable information about 5-MeO-DMT and its potential effects. One of the medications I take is SSRIs, which I read can interact to some extent with the pen, but since this is a microdose I decided to try it, and I haven’t felt any adverse effects with my medication.
I also have some history with other psychedelics. I regularly take micro doses of psilocybin, which comes from magic mushrooms. I find it more enjoyable than drinking alcohol, so when I go out, I’ll often take a small dose of psilocybin. On a few occasions, I've taken a larger dose, but only two or three times in my life. As for MDMA, I tried it once at a music festival, and while it was enjoyable, I realized it's not for me.
Over the past year, I have been incorporating meditation into my life more consistently. My meditation routine consists of setting intentions for the day in the morning and reflecting at night. I try to meditate three to four times a week, although I admit I'm not always religious about it. It has been a helpful practice for grounding myself and gaining control over my spiralling thoughts.
When I first decided to try the M-Pen, I was a bit nervous. Being a psychedelic that I had never experienced before, I had no idea what to expect. I took a full inhale from the pen until the light flashed. Immediately I felt an initial ascent that was overwhelming and I felt a strong sense of nausea.
As the minutes passed, the queasiness gradually faded away, and suddenly, there was an unexpected outpouring of emotion and tears started streaming down my face. The pen unlocked a floodgate of emotions that I had been holding onto. Although the tears were intense, I didn't feel sadness. It was more like a release, a strange but cathartic experience.
These emotions emerged seemingly out of nowhere. I hadn't entered the experience with a specific intention or a particular thought in mind. It was more of an experiment, a curiosity to explore how it would feel. And then, the tears just welled up and began to flow.
Those tears were a mixture of both sadness and happiness. I experienced an overwhelming sense of love, a deep appreciation for everything I have in my life. But alongside that love, there was also a tinge of sadness. It reminded me of the things I have lost and the profound changes I have undergone.
After the initial surge of emotions, I was left with a sense of relief. It was a cathartic experience, allowing me to confront and let go of emotions that had been silently simmering within me.
When it comes to the physical sensations, the rush from head to toe and the accompanying nausea were prominent in the beginning, lasting around a minute or two. But with later uses of the pen, I learned to manage the initial discomfort by taking deep breaths and reminding myself that it would pass.
In my meditations with the pen, I feel incredibly present and focused— which is a major contrast to my usual racing thoughts. It's as if all the mental clutter is momentarily put on hold, allowing me to connect deeply with my body and the present moment. Usually when I meditate with the pen, I approach with a different intention.
I have explored my anxieties about friendships and romantic relationships, seeking insights into why I tend to gravitate towards chaotic dynamics. The pen has helped me discover and realize things about myself and the patterns I may have been avoiding or denying.
One particular session stands out where I delved into my romantic relationships. I questioned how I wanted to be loved and the purpose of my involvement in these relationships. This exploration uncovered some uncomfortable truths—I found that I get satisfaction from helping others and seek validation and adoration in return. These tendencies were not limited to romantic relationships but were also present in my friendships and professional life. This self-awareness has led me to actively work on detaching myself from seeking external validation and not taking things personally.
Using the pen has allowed me to detach from my ego, which often interferes with problem-solving and self-reflection. It provides me with a break from the constant mental chatter and invites me to focus solely on the present moment. I find it easier to concentrate during meditation sessions with the pen compared to my regular practice without it. Although I have only used the pen for meditation a few times, I can already see its benefits.
In terms of residual effects, I have noticed more vivid and lucid dreams after using the pen. While I cannot definitively establish a connection, it has been noticeable. Additionally, the pen has prompted me to question and challenge my assumptions and beliefs. It has sparked a sense of curiosity and inquiry within me, encouraging me to reach out to people I may have been avoiding or to question the validity of my negative thoughts and emotions. The pen has given me a fresh perspective and a renewed sense of clarity.
To those considering using the pen, I would advise approaching it with openness and a willingness to delve into your inner world. Be prepared for uncomfortable feelings to arise, but remember that they are temporary and part of the process. Start with a low dose if you feel apprehensive, taking small steps to ease into the experience.
For people who already have experience with meditation, using the pen can deepen your practice. It allows you to explore specific areas of your life that may be causing distress or confusion, offering fresh insights and perspectives. It quiets the mind and facilitates a heightened sense of presence, enabling you to examine your thoughts and emotions with clarity.
As for my future sessions with the pen, I am eager to try meditating in a natural setting, surrounded by the calming presence of nature. I believe it will enhance the experience and create a more profound connection between my inner self and the external world.
Overall, my journey with the pen has been a voyage of self-discovery and reflection. It has enabled me to step outside my comfort zone and explore the depths of my mind and emotions. Through its use, I have gained valuable insights, challenged my beliefs, and learned to be more present in my daily life. The M-Pen has become a powerful tool in my meditation practice, helping me navigate through the complexities of my inner world and uncovering hidden truths.
This user story was created from an audio recording and transcript of an interview. The user’s words were run through an AI large language model to turn it into a more readable account, and the user approved the final text. The image of the user is a CGI depiction. All the names in this report were changed to ensure anonymity.